I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
