i love accidental penises.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
