The maid of honor just puked.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
