Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
