I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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