Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
