"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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