i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
