I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm eating all of the evidence.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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