I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
