Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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