I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
