I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
