The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
