does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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