Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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