I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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