I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
