Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize