we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
