His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
