Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
