Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
