so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
