i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
