omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
