I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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