My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
