i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
