I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Panties = found
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
