He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
