i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
