no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
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