I can tuck mytits in my pants
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
