Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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