I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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