I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
