I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
