speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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