allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
