Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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