In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
