You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
