You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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