When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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