i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
