Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
