The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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