Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
