i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
