i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
