Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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