I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
