i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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