I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
