Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
