One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
