also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
