the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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