So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
