He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
