Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
