My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I think people are normalizing furries
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
